Matt Bushell, You Owe me $12.95

Dear Matt (yes this is being addressed directly to you):

You are a fuckwit. I hate you with all of my being. Oh wait. Sorry, I typed Dear Matt and thought I was writing to my ex. His name is Matt too.

Ok. Let's start over.

Dear Matt BUSHELL, not Ex-Matt the Douchebag:

You are a fuckwit. I do not hate you, but I am annoyed that you are such a difficult person to get in touch with. Because in order to get your mailing address, I had to pay for a service that I don't really want. Now, if this service involved Rob baking me cupcakes, or you initiating #TheHookup, we'd be cool. But it doesn't. It simply involved facilitating a way for me to get your mailing address. Now that I have said address in my hot little mitts, I don't need this service any more. But you know what I forgot to do? I forgot to cancel the service. So that means that my poor, abused, empty bank account got charged $12.95 yesterday. Now I know that to a big, important, bald actor like yourself this may seem like small potatoes. But to an over educated, irresponsible budgeter, state-worker like myself, that's 2 nights of dinner. So needless to say I was a little upset when I went to check my balance yesterday and saw that there was a random $12.95 missing. I cursed you. Out loud. And that makes me sad. I don't want to curse you, Matt Bushell. I want to lovingly stroke your bald head until I calm down and then we can go out for milkshakes. Burger King has a new cupcake flavored shake. I haven't tried it yet, and I only know this because I've spent the past 2 months stalking every Burger King in a 50 mile radius for Twi-shit. But I digress. The point of this story is that if you do not contact me soon, not through your agent, not through a droid-written "thanks for being a fan" letter, I may have to resort to drastic measures. It will be worth the $12.95 if you sign up for a Twitter account within the next 17 hours. Otherwise, I may have to reevaluate my love for you.

With all of my love (for the next 17 hours), your biggest phan,

Meg

P.S. I could blame this on Fire Crotch since she programmed a reminder for me to cancel the service into her fancy little phone, but she's been working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for like, the past forever, so she's off the hook. Come back to us soon FC!!! We lovers you. Hard.

Get to the point!

We all have things to see, people to do, and not enough time or tolerance to patiently wait for Rambling-Redundant-Rita to get her point across.  Dave Chappelle had it right: 

Wrap it up, B!

You know what would make the world an easier place to live?  If everyone had to summarize their opinion, conversation, etc. in three sentences, 17 syllables.  What the hell am I talking about?  Haikus of course!!  The ancient artform perfected by the Japanese umpteen billion years ago (give or take) is *perfect* for all sorts of stuff.  It's easy, just remember 5-7-5 and let the poetry flow.

Termination at work?

No longer need you

The Man must line his pockets

Door might smack your ass

Accidentally knocked up your teenage girlfriend?  Tell her angry dad like you're ripping off a bandaid:

I knocked up your girl

But it's her fault for sure

She said no anal

See, now you've got the idea.  Here are a few haikus dedicated to our man of honor.

Reposted with permission from The Twiangle:

It's another weekly edition of humping haikus over at The Twiangle this week. Guess who's up to bat this time (pun intended)?! It's the lovely Matt Bushell (aka Phil Dwyer, aka Phantastic Phil, aka Marvelous Matt, aka Magic Hands).

The Man, Myth, Legend

Matt Bushell started it all

Slide into home, babe.

~RSM

Sent Bella to Forks

Creating our obsession

Thank you, homerun Phil

~ELC

Baseball is his game

Phantastic Phil is his name

Step up to the plate

~RSM

Phantabulous Phil

Under appreciated

Needs Twiangle love

~CFC

If first base is nice

Boobies second is better

Phil can work the third.

~RSM

Phil's Phans

Who doesn't love Matt Bushell?  I tell you, Phil Dwyer has phans like no other.  Just check out this avid admirer!

[I'm not sure what's up with the bowtie (I think she was dressing to impress),
and I heard she kept mumbling something about #TheHookup,

be she seems like a nice girl overall.]

And there's a rumor that The Twiangle's Hump Day Haikus are dedicated to Phil this week.