Matt Pedals Heart Attacks

So I think everyone has heard of the KFC Double Down by now. The first time I saw the ad on TV I thought 2 things.

1. Is this a joke?
2. Is that Matt Bushell?

Of course about 2 weeks went by before I finally got around to researching whether or not that is, in fact, Matt in the commercial. Several people emailed and texted me to tell me that they thought it was him and honestly, that just warms my heart. I wish Matt appreciated his awesome fans. Obviously he doesn't since he is neither on Twitter nor a follower of this blog.

*ahem*

So anyway, here's the commercial. Matt's the bald dude with the striped shirt.

KFC DOUBLE DOWN COMMERICAL @ Yahoo! Video

What's more disturbing is the whole concept of this "sandwich" and the reasoning behind Matt appearing in this commercial. How does that work? Does his agent call him and say, "Hey Matt. KFC is coming out with this AWESOME new, uh, thing, and I think you would be a great spokesperson for it. Plus your cable bill is due." If that's how it went down, then I think that Matt needs to find a different agent. Thanks to IMDBPro I have the contact info for both Matt's agent and his publicist and I'm thinking of sending them both letters asking if they are specifically setting out to ruin his career.

Anyway, as a special treat for all of you, I have a first hand account of someone who "survived" a DoubleDown. She said she was gonna try it, and I didn't believe it until I saw the picture. Ladies and....ok, just ladies, I present to you HoudinisBox!

As soon as I heard about KFC's new menu item - the Double Down - I knew I had to try it.

"Don't!" My friends, co-workers, and Twitterbugs begged and pleaded. "It's so bad for you! You'll die if you eat one! Please don't do this."

It felt good to know that these people cared so much about me that didn't want to see me die, but I had a mission. And I rarely back down from a mission.

Shrugging off their warnings, I headed to the nearest KFC on April 12th - DDDay.

"One Double Down please. No sauce." I said, handing the 16 year old cashier my ten dollar bill. "And...a biscuit. To go."

I had to get a biscuit, ya know 'cause biscuits are good.

"Coming right up," she responded with a squeaky, yet bored voice.

Ten minutes later(yeah, they're slow), I was out the door, my KFC bag in hand.

I waited until I got home to unwrap what could possibly have been my last meal - bacon and pepperjack cheese sandwiched between two thick, golden fried chicken breasts. The smell alone caused my mouth to water and my stomach to impatiently growl.

I took one bite.

And in that moment, I was touching the hand of God.

And I'm an Agnostic.

It was glorious. It was terrible. It was heaven. It was hell.

It was everything my heart desired, but my stupid brain kept screaming, "HEART ATTACK! HEART ATTACK! HEART ATTACK!"

Shut up, brain.

Pushing all thoughts of dying alone in my apartment aside, I forged ahead.

The chicken was succulent and juicy. The cheese was creamy and spicy. The bacon - well, when is bacon ever anything but salty and delicious?

It tasted just like Peter Facinelli looks - absolutely DELICIOUS.

As I chewed, my heart and brain reached a compromise, and I allowed myself to eat 2/3s of the DD before I sadly tossed the remainder into the garbage.

I had done it. I sat down on my bed to send emails and tweets of my glory.

I had conquered the Beast and won.

Or so I thought.

About an hour later, I felt sick. Not "puke all over the cat" sick - more like, "what have I done?" sick. I curled into a fetal position, overcome with fear and self-loathing and drifted off to a restless sleep.

So, in the end, was it worth it?

Hell yes.

But I will never, ever eat another one as long as I live. I compare the experience to having unprotected sex with a complete stranger - it might be fun at the time, but it's a miracle if you escape with no permanent reminders of your recklessness.

Practice safe eating kids. I ate the Double Down and lived to tell the tale, but you may not be so lucky.

So there ya have it folks. Think Matt even tried that hot mess? I doubt it. So it's time for him to really step up to the plate. Join Twitter, do a guest post here, and eat a Double Down. In that order. You know how to reach me baby.

Ninja-Pirate Phil Strikes Again

So we have our first spammer! Well, we're assuming he's a spammer. But deep down in the black recesses of my heart, I've got my fingers and legs crossed that it's Matt and he's trying to be a stealthy ninja.

The first comment showed up under the "Matt Bushell Owes Me $12.95" post. It was just some Chinese characters and some periods that were hyperlinked to a Chinese porn site. Well, I decided to plug those bad boys into Google translate. Our wise sage actually said:

"Walking toward the established goals, it will not get lost."

Alright. Good advice. Then I decided that I should Google-translate his name, which happens to be:

"Nine."

Awesome.

So the second comment showed up under the "Breaking News!" post. This time, Nine must have known we were onto him; he saved us the effort of translating by kindly commenting in English:

"Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them."

Hold up, wait a minute. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [Well, hopefully not - my mind is a scary place to be without an armed escort. And by "armed escort" I don't mean a skank carrying a shank. Or do I? Moving on...] Could "Nine" be none other than our dear Phantastic Phil, the one and only Matt Bushell masquerading as a stealthy ninja pirate leaving cryptic comments in the dark of night after kickin' back with a good jug o' swill?!

I joke Matt. A lot. But deep down I really love him and I want to be his friend. And I'm sorry, but if you star in a car commercial that airs during the Super Bowl, you're gonna get joked. But wait, let me ask you this: are there any other blogs out there joking on you Matt? No. Nope. Nada. None. We're the only game in town, baby. Do you know how many sites posted something about that cream-puff loser Mike Newton-Welch starring in Rough Hustle? A lot of them. But NONE of them have mentioned that you are actually the real star of the movie. Only us. So despite my tough love, Matt, remember who your true fans are. Nobody loves you like we do, baby!

This is a safe place, you don't have to hide behind "Nine." But if you chose to do so, just know that every time you grace us with your presence, we will know that truth. For now, I will continue to walk towards my goals and keep my words sweet.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Ok, I supposed this would have been breaking news on Sunday. A day (or 5) late and a dollar short. Meh. Sue us. Ok, don't sue us. Feel free to send angry emails or more pictures from the set of Bel Ami.

*ahem*

Sorry. Back to the matter at hand. The BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Matt Bushell was in a car commercial. That aired during the Super Bowl. And featured Tracy Morgan. If that's not hittin' the big times, I don't know what is.

Here's a nifty list I found of actors who got their start in commercials. I'm not sure why Lindsay Lohan is at number 1, but I'm gonna roll with it. If only you could reach such great heights, Matt. If only.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. John Travolta

3. Farrah Fawcett

4. Dakota Fanning

5. Leonardo DiCaprio

6. Tobey Maguire

7. Wesley Snipes

8. Jodie Foster

9. Keanu Reeves

10. Tom Selleck

So see, Matt's in great company!! To see video of all those people's commercials, go here. Lohan's is a Jello ad. *snicker*

Alright. So here it is. We'll show you a picture of what exactly you're looking for first. Don't blink. You may miss it. I wonder if Matt wants to play good cop/bad cop with me?

He's the bald one...

And here's the whole commercial. Enjoy!!

Rough Hustle Trailer

So the trailer for Matt's new movie Rough Hustle was released. Here it is in all it's glory. Stay tuned for "Meg and RSM Watch This Shit Together And Probably End Up Saying Mean Things About Phil Even Though We Love Him Hard And Are His Number One Fans," probably up by Tuesday.

Matt Bushell, You Owe me $12.95

Dear Matt (yes this is being addressed directly to you):

You are a fuckwit. I hate you with all of my being. Oh wait. Sorry, I typed Dear Matt and thought I was writing to my ex. His name is Matt too.

Ok. Let's start over.

Dear Matt BUSHELL, not Ex-Matt the Douchebag:

You are a fuckwit. I do not hate you, but I am annoyed that you are such a difficult person to get in touch with. Because in order to get your mailing address, I had to pay for a service that I don't really want. Now, if this service involved Rob baking me cupcakes, or you initiating #TheHookup, we'd be cool. But it doesn't. It simply involved facilitating a way for me to get your mailing address. Now that I have said address in my hot little mitts, I don't need this service any more. But you know what I forgot to do? I forgot to cancel the service. So that means that my poor, abused, empty bank account got charged $12.95 yesterday. Now I know that to a big, important, bald actor like yourself this may seem like small potatoes. But to an over educated, irresponsible budgeter, state-worker like myself, that's 2 nights of dinner. So needless to say I was a little upset when I went to check my balance yesterday and saw that there was a random $12.95 missing. I cursed you. Out loud. And that makes me sad. I don't want to curse you, Matt Bushell. I want to lovingly stroke your bald head until I calm down and then we can go out for milkshakes. Burger King has a new cupcake flavored shake. I haven't tried it yet, and I only know this because I've spent the past 2 months stalking every Burger King in a 50 mile radius for Twi-shit. But I digress. The point of this story is that if you do not contact me soon, not through your agent, not through a droid-written "thanks for being a fan" letter, I may have to resort to drastic measures. It will be worth the $12.95 if you sign up for a Twitter account within the next 17 hours. Otherwise, I may have to reevaluate my love for you.

With all of my love (for the next 17 hours), your biggest phan,

Meg

P.S. I could blame this on Fire Crotch since she programmed a reminder for me to cancel the service into her fancy little phone, but she's been working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for like, the past forever, so she's off the hook. Come back to us soon FC!!! We lovers you. Hard.

The Hunt For Alcide

For a howlin' good time, call #MattBushell

So when we started this whole Matt Bushell phansite thing, one of the things that was suggested by Fire Crotch, one of Matt's biggest fans, was that he should play Alcide on True Blood. And she's right...he would make a phantastic Alcide. Read the description below. I'll wait.

Um hello, that's Matt Bushell in a nutshell. You can leave comments on that site, follow @truebloodnet for updates, or write letters to HBO describing how absolutely wonderful Matt Bushell is and how he neeeeeeeeds to be Alcide. For FC's sake. And mine. (I'm too lazy to go find HBO's address and I imagine most of you are too lazy to actually write HBO. But we get an 'A' for effort, right? Right).

True Blood’s wolf hunt has officially begun!

Although Alan Ball confirmed to me over the summer that werewolf Alcide would take a big bite out of the drama’s upcoming third season, the search for an actor to play the pivotal part formally got underway today with the release of the following casting notice:

ALCIDE: Good-looking, rough-around-the-edges, articulate, heroic, and decent, but not what he seems. He gets along well with Sookie. There’s even an attraction between the two. Very strong recurring.

True Blood is also searching for a fortysomething African-American actor to play HOLLIS, a bouncer in a bar. Despite his scary appearance — he resembles an NFL lineman — he’s a nice guy who knows Alcide well. He’s suspicious of Sookie and delivers some unexpected bad news to Alcide about his fiancée, Debbie Pelt.

Finally, Alan Ball is on the lookout for an actor in his 70s to play Arlene’s old-school (spoiler alert) obstetrician.

Production on True Blood’s third season got underway last week, hence all the casting activity of late. I compiled a convenient link round-up below if you missed any of it. I’m generous like that.

Get to the point!

We all have things to see, people to do, and not enough time or tolerance to patiently wait for Rambling-Redundant-Rita to get her point across.  Dave Chappelle had it right: 

Wrap it up, B!

You know what would make the world an easier place to live?  If everyone had to summarize their opinion, conversation, etc. in three sentences, 17 syllables.  What the hell am I talking about?  Haikus of course!!  The ancient artform perfected by the Japanese umpteen billion years ago (give or take) is *perfect* for all sorts of stuff.  It's easy, just remember 5-7-5 and let the poetry flow.

Termination at work?

No longer need you

The Man must line his pockets

Door might smack your ass

Accidentally knocked up your teenage girlfriend?  Tell her angry dad like you're ripping off a bandaid:

I knocked up your girl

But it's her fault for sure

She said no anal

See, now you've got the idea.  Here are a few haikus dedicated to our man of honor.

Reposted with permission from The Twiangle:

It's another weekly edition of humping haikus over at The Twiangle this week. Guess who's up to bat this time (pun intended)?! It's the lovely Matt Bushell (aka Phil Dwyer, aka Phantastic Phil, aka Marvelous Matt, aka Magic Hands).

The Man, Myth, Legend

Matt Bushell started it all

Slide into home, babe.

~RSM

Sent Bella to Forks

Creating our obsession

Thank you, homerun Phil

~ELC

Baseball is his game

Phantastic Phil is his name

Step up to the plate

~RSM

Phantabulous Phil

Under appreciated

Needs Twiangle love

~CFC

If first base is nice

Boobies second is better

Phil can work the third.

~RSM