Matt Bushell, You Owe me $12.95

Dear Matt (yes this is being addressed directly to you):

You are a fuckwit. I hate you with all of my being. Oh wait. Sorry, I typed Dear Matt and thought I was writing to my ex. His name is Matt too.

Ok. Let's start over.

Dear Matt BUSHELL, not Ex-Matt the Douchebag:

You are a fuckwit. I do not hate you, but I am annoyed that you are such a difficult person to get in touch with. Because in order to get your mailing address, I had to pay for a service that I don't really want. Now, if this service involved Rob baking me cupcakes, or you initiating #TheHookup, we'd be cool. But it doesn't. It simply involved facilitating a way for me to get your mailing address. Now that I have said address in my hot little mitts, I don't need this service any more. But you know what I forgot to do? I forgot to cancel the service. So that means that my poor, abused, empty bank account got charged $12.95 yesterday. Now I know that to a big, important, bald actor like yourself this may seem like small potatoes. But to an over educated, irresponsible budgeter, state-worker like myself, that's 2 nights of dinner. So needless to say I was a little upset when I went to check my balance yesterday and saw that there was a random $12.95 missing. I cursed you. Out loud. And that makes me sad. I don't want to curse you, Matt Bushell. I want to lovingly stroke your bald head until I calm down and then we can go out for milkshakes. Burger King has a new cupcake flavored shake. I haven't tried it yet, and I only know this because I've spent the past 2 months stalking every Burger King in a 50 mile radius for Twi-shit. But I digress. The point of this story is that if you do not contact me soon, not through your agent, not through a droid-written "thanks for being a fan" letter, I may have to resort to drastic measures. It will be worth the $12.95 if you sign up for a Twitter account within the next 17 hours. Otherwise, I may have to reevaluate my love for you.

With all of my love (for the next 17 hours), your biggest phan,

Meg

P.S. I could blame this on Fire Crotch since she programmed a reminder for me to cancel the service into her fancy little phone, but she's been working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for like, the past forever, so she's off the hook. Come back to us soon FC!!! We lovers you. Hard.

The Hunt For Alcide

For a howlin' good time, call #MattBushell

So when we started this whole Matt Bushell phansite thing, one of the things that was suggested by Fire Crotch, one of Matt's biggest fans, was that he should play Alcide on True Blood. And she's right...he would make a phantastic Alcide. Read the description below. I'll wait.

Um hello, that's Matt Bushell in a nutshell. You can leave comments on that site, follow @truebloodnet for updates, or write letters to HBO describing how absolutely wonderful Matt Bushell is and how he neeeeeeeeds to be Alcide. For FC's sake. And mine. (I'm too lazy to go find HBO's address and I imagine most of you are too lazy to actually write HBO. But we get an 'A' for effort, right? Right).

True Blood’s wolf hunt has officially begun!

Although Alan Ball confirmed to me over the summer that werewolf Alcide would take a big bite out of the drama’s upcoming third season, the search for an actor to play the pivotal part formally got underway today with the release of the following casting notice:

ALCIDE: Good-looking, rough-around-the-edges, articulate, heroic, and decent, but not what he seems. He gets along well with Sookie. There’s even an attraction between the two. Very strong recurring.

True Blood is also searching for a fortysomething African-American actor to play HOLLIS, a bouncer in a bar. Despite his scary appearance — he resembles an NFL lineman — he’s a nice guy who knows Alcide well. He’s suspicious of Sookie and delivers some unexpected bad news to Alcide about his fiancée, Debbie Pelt.

Finally, Alan Ball is on the lookout for an actor in his 70s to play Arlene’s old-school (spoiler alert) obstetrician.

Production on True Blood’s third season got underway last week, hence all the casting activity of late. I compiled a convenient link round-up below if you missed any of it. I’m generous like that.

Get to the point!

We all have things to see, people to do, and not enough time or tolerance to patiently wait for Rambling-Redundant-Rita to get her point across.  Dave Chappelle had it right: 

Wrap it up, B!

You know what would make the world an easier place to live?  If everyone had to summarize their opinion, conversation, etc. in three sentences, 17 syllables.  What the hell am I talking about?  Haikus of course!!  The ancient artform perfected by the Japanese umpteen billion years ago (give or take) is *perfect* for all sorts of stuff.  It's easy, just remember 5-7-5 and let the poetry flow.

Termination at work?

No longer need you

The Man must line his pockets

Door might smack your ass

Accidentally knocked up your teenage girlfriend?  Tell her angry dad like you're ripping off a bandaid:

I knocked up your girl

But it's her fault for sure

She said no anal

See, now you've got the idea.  Here are a few haikus dedicated to our man of honor.

Reposted with permission from The Twiangle:

It's another weekly edition of humping haikus over at The Twiangle this week. Guess who's up to bat this time (pun intended)?! It's the lovely Matt Bushell (aka Phil Dwyer, aka Phantastic Phil, aka Marvelous Matt, aka Magic Hands).

The Man, Myth, Legend

Matt Bushell started it all

Slide into home, babe.

~RSM

Sent Bella to Forks

Creating our obsession

Thank you, homerun Phil

~ELC

Baseball is his game

Phantastic Phil is his name

Step up to the plate

~RSM

Phantabulous Phil

Under appreciated

Needs Twiangle love

~CFC

If first base is nice

Boobies second is better

Phil can work the third.

~RSM

#TheHookup Flowchart

Click to flowchart to see it in larger glory.

The Hookup

Wow. It's been a busy couple of days for Matt. Well, at least in our world. I may or may not have paid to get his contact info (I'm a h00r like that) and we may or may not have heard back from his agent. That's a work in progress but I'm sure we'll keep you updated. ;-)

But the contact sent RSM and I into a flurry of squees and "Oh my god what do we say? What do we says?" and then led to the discussion of what exactly could come (heh) of said contact. I basically decided that I will befriend our dear Matt, campaign like a motherfucker to get him into Breaking Dawn (Phil goes to the wedding and is in pictures) and then be his date to the premiere. After making sure Matt is taken care of ("given a joyride" as RSM put it), I will seduce a certain scrufftastic British kid and shag him like a wild woman in the bathroom. It's an absolutely plausible plan. And of course, if we're on the inside like that, there is the potential for everyone to get a piece of Twi ass. Thus was born The Hookup.

Here's the breakdown:

I meet Matt. I get Matt to introduce Memory_Jean to Taybait. She makes Taybait howl. Taybait introduces Memory_Jean to Rob. Memory_Jean introduces Rob to me. I make Rob see stars. Rob introduces me to KSlutz. I may have a moment of weakness and but then will quickly introduce KSlutz to RSM. We don't hear from either of them for a couple of days. Eventually, after she unties him and lets him out of the basement, KSlutz introduces RSM to Jacksper. RSM runs her hands through Jacksper's poodle hair and then introduces him to Fire Crotch. Fire Crotch lets Jacksper make her feel all warm and fuzzy, and then convinces him to introduce her the Edi, because she "likes dark chocolate." Because FC is cool like that, she lets Memory_Jean play with JBone (Taybait has served his purpose and she's put him outside). FC also said she'd be willing to take one for the team and do Gil, but at this point I don't think that will be necessary. I'll keep it in as a backup plan, just in case. He's down with the kids and all, so he might surprise her. I'm also willing to do KStew to get to Rob but I think The Hookup as it stands now is a pretty solid plan.

So there you have it. It's a hot mess, huh? If we put our powers towards really important things, I'm pretty sure we could end cancer and world hunger and get all the dogs on the planet spayed and neutered.

Meh...I'd rather have Rob. ;-)

Phil's Phans

Who doesn't love Matt Bushell?  I tell you, Phil Dwyer has phans like no other.  Just check out this avid admirer!

[I'm not sure what's up with the bowtie (I think she was dressing to impress),
and I heard she kept mumbling something about #TheHookup,

be she seems like a nice girl overall.]

And there's a rumor that The Twiangle's Hump Day Haikus are dedicated to Phil this week.